In My Day…

In my day, we didn’t have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.

In my day, we didn’t have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip.

In my day, we didn’t have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny.

In my day, we didn’t have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we’re all as strong as AAGGKK-GAAK! Urrgh. Thud.

In my day, we didn’t get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying ‘Doors closing.’ We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the damn way to the Silver Spring Station. But the base fare was only a dollar.

Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.

In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy.

In my day, we didn’t have virtual reality. If a one-eyed barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.

In my day we didn’t have MTV or inline skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you’d weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we’d use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn’t adjust our skates which didn’t really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.